S1E6 - What's It Like to Be an Introvert in an Extrovert Family?
I got another rambling episode for you. In this episode, I ask myself, “What’s it Like to Be an Introvert in an Extrovert Family?” I ramble on about how I came to the realization that I am in fact an introvert. Then I go on about how it’s like to be in a very extroverted family. If you experience the same thing, please follow me on social media and let me know if you experience the same thing or if it’s the complete opposite. Are you an extrovert in an introvert family? I would love to hear about it!
Some parts of the transcript may be edited for better readability, but the content remains the same. Mostly removed duplicate words, vocal filler words, and added/removed some words for clarification. Added text are in fuchsia.
Hey everyone, this is Meliza and I am the Talkative Introvert.
So today, I got another rambling episode for you. If you don't know what I'm talking about, back in Episode Five: why am I starting this podcast, I did a rambling episode where basically all I did was ask myself one question, and then I went with it. So no notes, no outline, no, like, type of agenda or anything like that. I just asked myself one question and I just basically talked the whole way through the episode. I wanted to do that again, because I actually really liked doing that one, it was a lot of fun. It was fun, not having a structure and just going with it.
So in today's episode, I'm going to ask myself, what's it like to be an introvert in an extrovert family. So, when I was younger, I was definitely an introvert but I think I've, like fully become an introvert later, like, maybe junior, senior year of high school and older. But like I said, in previous episodes, I come from a really big Filipino family and we always got together for family events, and like for our birthdays, and holidays, and it was usually like this big party. Yeah, so I was always the shy kid. A quiet, shy kid, the one that's always sitting on a parent's lap or on my aunt's lap or, you know, I stuck with the adults a lot. I did play with other kids, but I didn't like too much stimulation. I didn't like when it was too loud or too noisy. When the kids are running around, like it's weird to think about, but I didn't even like kids when I was a kid. So, parents tend to like me. I had a good relationship with the adults because I never talked back. I was a good kid and never got myself in trouble and I didn't really take risks. I didn't like being too loud or rambunctious.
Obviously, as a kid, you don't think, am I an introvert or extrovert? It's not something you think about. It wasn't until probably high school that I realized that I'm really actually an introvert. Because my freshman and sophomore year, like, I just wanted to have a bunch of friends. I wanted everyone to like me. I came from a really tiny middle school. My class was a total of 14 kids. So, there were seven girls, seven guys. Then high school came and I went to public school where it's like, I don't even know, I think my graduating class - It's still kind of small, I guess compared to other high schools - but I think 500 students in my class, graduated. Yeah and so that's a huge jump from 14 to 500. And that's just my class. That doesn't include, like the other classmen. And so, I remember in like freshman and sophomore year, I was really into being friends with everyone. I wanted to be a popular kid. I wanted everyone to like me. But then like, as I got older, like as a junior and senior, I think as I'm developing to become who the person I am, I realize like, I don't care about that. I don't care about having a lot of friends. It takes up too much energy. There's too much time invested in trying to make sure that you keep in touch with every single person. Like if I'm trying to be friends with like 500 other people, not including other classmates, that's way too much that is. No. So yeah, that's when I realized I was more of an introvert.
I did realize that I'm more of an introvert as I got older, because I realized that I value a smaller group of friends, like close knit best friends, which, as I'm thinking about my past, that's always been the trend. I always had one or two best friends and it was always just us. So, when I was younger, I moved a lot. I went to a different middle school, a different elementary school almost every year. But every time I moved to a different school, I always gravitated to like one or two best friends and that's it. I think the whole popularity thing and wanting to be everyone's friends and wanting everyone to like me, I think that's just like a typical thing you go through in adolescence. But I really truly, always wanted like, or always gravitated only having a couple of best friends or like a small group of friends. I didn't realize that until I got older that I was actually an introvert, because I didn't really think about that until maybe college. When I started junior and senior year, I kind of started to give up on trying to be friends and trying to be liked. I realized, like, who my real friends are and who my true friends are and those are like the people that actually want to hang out with me for me, and not because I was trying so hard for everyone to like me (That didn't last long. I think that was mostly just freshman year, and maybe a tiny bit sophomore year.)
Anyways, the older I get, the more I realize how much of an introvert I actually am. And I actually don't like being around a lot of people and that being around a lot of people was always tiring. It's just interesting to realize that now, because the reason why I realized I was an introvert was because the friends I ended up keeping after high school... So, high high school ended. We all had our goodbyes, and blah, blah, blah. I didn't keep in touch with everyone I was friends with in high school except for just like a small portion of them and I'm still friends with them now. It was a very small group and we had a lot of similarities and a lot of the same like pet peeves and the same outlook on life, I guess. And they're all introverts. And I thought that was really interesting. I was like, man, I guess I am an introvert, I guess. Because I really do just like my small groups. I don't like huge gatherings and huge ragers.
I mean, we did have a lot of parties. I guess we had a lot of parties just because we were always the only people - so when I say we, I'm talking about me and my husband, but at the time he was my boyfriend - We were the ones that had our own place and we were old enough to buy drinks and whatever. We tend to always have the house parties, but our house parties were never like crazy. They weren't like crazy ragers and like your typical frat party that you see in movies. They were always just like, chill hangouts at our place. I remember going to an actual, like, high school/college/whatever type party and I was like... I was not having it. Like, I didn't enjoy it as I thought I would. Because I thought, you know, I'm in college now. Like, this would be cool and fun to experience. But once I was actually there, I was like, yeah, I didn't really miss out. Because in high school, I didn't go to these kinds of parties. I wasn't like, friends with those type of people like the, I don't know what to call them, I guess the jocks and the popular kids. I don't know if that was... That wasn't really like a huge thing. I didn't really... I don't know. I didn't see it like that in high school. Maybe other people did. But those people, I wasn't friends with them. So, I didn't go to those kinds of parties. I used to think like in high school, like man, maybe I should have been friends with them, so I could go to these parties. But actually going to one like it, I realized like no, I'm good. I didn't miss out on anything. I wouldn't have had fun. It would have been really scary. I probably would have had like an anxiety attack like it would not have been fun for me. And I'm glad I didn't do that. Or like, I'm not upset that I didn't experience that in high school, I guess. And so yeah, we used to have parties and all that.
So, I know I'm not really answering the question right now, but I feel like there needs to be some historical information as to who I am and how I realized I became an introvert, or not became, but that I actually have been this whole entire time but didn't realize until I was an adult. So another reason I realized I'm introvert, is with these family gatherings with the combination of my family and my now husband's family. There's a lot of family events. There's a lot of gatherings. We had to pick between the two also. Like, sometimes they'll happen at the same time. My family has kind of, we haven't had as many gatherings as we used to, it's mostly his family. But they're still gatherings almost every weekend. And that's when I truly, truly understood that I am really an introvert. In my introvert types episode, we concluded that I am a social introvert and being a social introvert doesn't mean I'm like super social, it just means I typically say no to parties, and I like solitary activities. That's become very, very true. Because with the combination of his family gatherings and my family gatherings, and having something to do every single weekend, like with our families, became too much. I was constantly tired, but I always had this like, need to please people and please, people in our family, and I always felt super, super, super obligated to go to these family events. And even now, like I feel obligated to go because yeah, we are celebrating for a reason. It's not just like going there just cuz. It's for someone's birthday, or it's for Christmas or Thanksgiving or, you know, some type of holiday. So, there's a reason for these gatherings. It's not like, they're just having it just to have it, even though that does happen sometimes. So, I do feel obligated, because there's so many. I'm just so tired, like so socially tired. I have to say no, like, I just have to say no, sometimes. As an adult and living on my own. Like the older I got, the more I started to say no. That's where this question comes from: what's it like to be introvert and extrovert family?
So back then, you know, yeah, I was the shy kid, whatever, blah, blah, blah. But it didn't really affect my family as much as it does now. And that's because now I'm saying no. Now, I'm not going to events. Now, I'm taking the time to take care of myself and recharge, and prepare myself for the next social event. Because like, my meter is limited. There is a bar and there's a stopping point where I need to like just go home and just recharge and do one of my solitary hobbies. Now, this leads back to the question, what's it like to be an introvert and extrovert family? So the problem with being an introvert in a very extroverted family, is that one, they don't understand you. They don't understand what that means. Like, when I say no to going somewhere or doing something, like they take offense from it. Like, they think I don't like them, or they think I'm being rude or not being family oriented, or... It's always a negative thing. Like, it's starting to get better though. I think people are just used to it. At first, it was pretty bad. Like people would question us, why? Why wouldn't they want to go? What's the problem? But now, I think they're just used to us doing our own thing. And they're just used to us saying no, and used to us just being away from these events. Like they don't question it that much anymore. But they still, they still try. Which is okay, like, that's fine. Like, I don't mind that they try because, you know, if they ask 100 times, like 10 of those times, we'll probably go or something like that. We still go, it's just not all the time. And if we know there's gonna be like a huge huge gathering, because some gatherings isn't just family sometimes it includes like people outside blood relatives, like people's friends and in-laws, like other people's in-laws and like... It's not that we don't like them, like, other people's friends and in-laws or anything like that. It's just that the party ends up getting bigger and louder. It becomes this chill, relaxed family gathering to this giant rager where everyone's drunk and doing karaoke and it just becomes from quiet to like super loud. So, when we know there's gonna be more and more people, we tend to not go.
I think that's why sometimes when we get invited to things, they tend to just say, it's just gonna be us. Like my husband's mom does that. She is notorious for that, because I think she just notices that we don't tend to go when it's like too many people. She'll sometimes say, "Hey, come over for breakfast. It's just gonna be us." I think that's kind of funny, because I don't remember her having to say that before. I think she knows now that - I don't think she fully understands what an introvert is -but I think she knows that we're more comfortable when it's a smaller group. So, when she wants to see us, she tends to say, it's just us. It's not like the entire family. It's just the immediate family, like, just the siblings. It's funny, because it wasn't like that before. Like, she didn't say stuff like that before. But I think she's starting to get it, which is really nice. It's nice for people to acknowledge that and to understand that, because it is a lot. Some of these family events are just, they're so loud. Like, overstimulating and for an extrovert that's probably amazing and great.
And that's why... They have like... Sorry, I'm, like, distracted, because my dog is barking. That's probably one of the most difficult things of doing this podcast is that he barks. And I don't know, if that's something you could take out. I still don't really know how to use this software, because I'm sure there's a way to take out background noise, right? There's gotta be. I need to Google that, or, I don't know, watch some YouTube videos. But every time he barks, I have to stop, and then I forget what I'm talking about. And now I'm like, off to a different tangent.
Anyways, so back to the question. So what's it like to be an introvert and extrovert family? Like I said, it does have its negative impact or a negative... I don't know what you want to call it. But it is difficult because people don't understand why we say no, and people get upset, sometimes people get hurt. Hopefully, if anyone in our families is listening to this, I hope they know that it doesn't mean anything bad. Like we don't purposely not go to something just to hurt someone. Like, that is never our intent. Our intent is never to like, you know, not go because we don't like them anymore. Like, it's not typically negative when we don't go. It's just that we need a break. Because nowadays, majority of family gatherings are with my husband's family. So I won't go into why my family doesn't really see each other anymore. It's just, there's like, stuff that happened in the past and so we don't have big family gatherings anymore. It's mostly just my husband's family that I have to go to gatherings for now. It's really difficult, because there's so many, there's so many gatherings. And they're like, an all day event. They'll start at like, I don't know, sometimes they start later, like at five. But sometimes it's like even earlier and then they won't end until like one o'clock in the morning, maybe two o'clock in the morning. They're like, all day gatherings. There is no... Like, if you ever get an invitation from... Sorry, he's barking again.
If you ever get an invitation from a Filipino family, and I've noticed this for like all my Filipino friends and family, not just my family and not just my husband's family, but there's no end time. You ever noticed that? There's no end time. And I don't know if that's specific to Filipinos, but that's just what I know, because I'm Filipino. But people who are either Filipino or have like similar cultures, there's no end time. So they're not expecting to leave at any specific time. Because I know there's some parties, they'll put like a three to seven and at seven it is expected of you to leave. And that I remember. I think there's like one party that I went to and that happened. My mind was blown. I was like, you can have an end time. Why don't we have end times? But yeah, anyways, so these parties are all day, all night, sometimes into the following day, sometimes people sleep over. It becomes a two day thing. So it's, it's a lot of social interactions. It's a lot, it's a lot of just thinking about it. And it's... So when that happens, and if it's happening every weekend, like, I can't do it, it's too much. Like, I have a life too. You know? Like, during the week, I work Monday through Friday, eight to five. When I come home, it's you know, we're making dinner, we're eating dinner, and then we're relaxing until we have to go to bed, so we can go to work. So during the week, there's typically, not a lot of time to do our hobbies, or just do other things. So our weekends are very precious, because that's our time. My husband doesn't always get to have a weekend because sometimes he works weekends. So really, we're very limited on like, how much free time we have, which is really sucky. So if this podcast ever goes big, I'm gonna be forever grateful for you guys, because it'd be amazing to not have to do like an eight to five, Monday through Friday. Like, I wouldn't mind if I did, like part time at my work. If I started getting money for this podcast, like, that'd be awesome, too. Like, I could totally do that.
Anyways. So yeah, what was I getting at. See, this is what happens when I'm doing a rambling episode. I don't remember what I was talking about. Because I'm trying not to like cut anything. I just want to be completely, just natural, live, as little editing as possible. Anyways, so... Oh, I remember! So yeah, it's not that we don't like people or don't like our family members. We're not doing it to hurt anybody. It's just that we need to recharge, because there's just so many of it. And it's a lot. And it's not just... Like I said, there's no end time. It's not like it's just a three hour thing and then we can recharge. It'll last into the end of the night and sometimes the next day. I mean, we stopped staying super late too. We will go home and we have a valid excuse too because we have a dog and we don't bring him to these events. Because it's pretty funny, because he's kind of an introvert too, like he doesn't like... and I don't know, maybe because the way we raised him. Because we're not super loud people and we don't play super loud music. Like we play music. We play podcasts, like when we're cooking dinner, whatever. We watch TV, obviously, but it's not loud. Like it's never loud. It's just at the right volume that you can hear it properly. Like, it's not like super, super loud. And so I think he's just so used to that, because our dog doesn't like really loud music and he doesn't like too much stimulation. Like he'll, he's a Corgi, so he's very vocal. So if someone's talking too loud, he'll like bark at them. And I think it's just like his way of telling them to lower your voice. And then if it's like, people are moving around too much, or like getting too rowdy, like if when we actually have people over, which is very rare, and it gets too rowdy, he doesn't like it. Or like, if it's too much for him, he'll just go into the room and then go to sleep. Like he won't stay in the living room with everybody. Which is pretty funny, because that's basically us.
But yeah, so it is difficult being an introvert in an extrovert family. And it's hard to explain to them why we don't go and I really hope they understand like, it's not that we don't like them or anything like that. It's just a lot. And it's a lot of stimulation, and it's very tiring. And sometimes it's stressful. And sometimes, like if you do something too often that stresses you out, like, that's not very great for your mental health either. So it is difficult. It's very difficult and it's difficult to have other people understand that and I wish they would. I wish they'd understand. I think it'd make our life easier if they just understood, but for the most part, I think they're getting used to it. It's, I mean, it's... So, I've been with my husband, so we've only been married for a year, but we've been together for like thirteen years. Yeah. It's been 12. it's 2020. Yeah, 13 years. And so I think they're just used to it now. So it does get easier. It has been getting easier as we get older because they're used to us just being us. And they're used to us saying no. And they're used to us like going to some but not going to others. And we're not trying to pick and choose. It's just whatever we're ready for, I guess. So that's been, that's been getting better. But you can still tell that they still don't get it. They accept us for us. But they still don't understand why. And that's not just my husband's family. That's just like everybody in general.
Because I'll have a family member who will just like be, they'll basically be nagging us, like, come on, please. Hey go, can you go? Come on? Why not? You know, they'll do that. And it's very frustrating, because it's like, just accept our no. Just be okay with our no answer. When you don't accept our no answer, it makes it really difficult for us. Or it makes it really difficult for an introvert because, like one, we don't want to because we're socially exhausted, and two, like, it makes us feel guilty, makes us feel really bad for not doing something. And this kind of... I think I talked about this in my pet peeves episode, but like, it sucks to feel bad, because you don't want to do something, and you have a valid reason for it. Like you're just tired, and you need to take a break. And it sucks that like when people just can't take your no answer. Or they like get really upset with you when you say no. Because it's, you know, we don't want to upset you. But we also need to take care of ourselves too. Like, I can't please everybody.
And so yeah, so this question is very, it's difficult to answer because I don't want to, like offend my family members, assuming that they're listening. But I think it's a good way to help them understand, like, why we say no, you know, like we... Like, I hope they understand that it's not that we don't like them. And it's not that we, you know, don't appreciate them or anything like that. Like we don't mean any disrespect, but I hope they understand like, it's just because we're tired. And because we need time to recharge. And there's also just way too many. Like, man... Like, you guys... I mean, that's great. Obviously, that's great. Like, I love the fact that his family loves each other and loves being around each other so much that they're they want to hang out every weekend. Like that's kind of, in my experience, really rare. Like you don't see. I mean, okay, I can't speak for other people. But in my experience, you don't, I don't always see people, like families who really get along and who really love each other so much that they want to hang out every weekend. Like, I totally admire that. I think that's awesome. I think that's great. Like, obviously, there's some family drama, and that's, like, inevitable, like that just happens especially spending so much time together, that happens. But like, besides the family drama that happens every once in a while, they still will forgive each other and they still love each other. And they still like want to, like legit hang out with each other and spend time with each other, like, almost every weekend, if not every weekend. And that's... I think that's truly amazing. Because it doesn't happen all the time. And not every family is like that. But with that said... every weekend? Really? Like, it's so much. Like don't you guys want a break from each other? And that's probably just my introvert nature talking. But man, I need a break. And I need a break from like, all of that.
But I do enjoy when my husband's mom says like, come have breakfast with us and it's just us. I really do enjoy that when it's just like my husband, like maybe his sister, his sister's family, and like, just our smaller group. I really enjoyed that because it's more intimate. We can actually talk to each other, and have a really good conversation and really catch up. But when it's like family gatherings, most of the time, people are drinking or they're doing karaoke or playing loud music. You don't really get that one on one time with people. You don't get those deep conversations with people and like really trying to catch up, because usually it's too loud and we're doing some activity. If we're not talking to each other, we're not having a conversation, we're not getting to know each other or catching up with each other or anything like that. When we have these big, big group parties, parties, sorry, God, okay. (Not sure what happened here. I guess I malfunctioned. LOL!)
So, I really do enjoy when we have just breakfast with his mom, or have dinner with just his sister's family, or just, yeah. These small, intimate, like, gatherings where we can just have a real conversation and it's not just loud music in our ear, and we can't hear anything, but like, the bass and like someone's singing karaoke. I really appreciate those moments and I appreciate doing that. That makes me excited to go see them, when we have these smaller ones, because then I can actually have a real conversation with someone. And it's more meaningful, in my opinion than the big parties. And it'd be nice if they wanted it more like that.
Like, we used to go to my husband's uncle's - he is the one that usually is the party house and everyone goes there for parties and whatnot and there's always free alcohol food - there's times where we've gone to his place, just like on a weekday, like on a weeknight. There's like a couple of times he needed help around the house and my husband went to go help them and it was just like, my uncle or our uncle and aunt and then their are two kids, which is like our age, Brandon's cousins. Those are fun. Like, we would just drink a beer, like in the backyard, and talk and just have that intimate conversation and those are fun. I valued those moments. Because like, as much as parties, I guess, are fun. I mean, okay, they're fun, but not always, I don't - like I mentioned this in previous episodes - I don't drink that much anymore. Not like I did in college. I rarely ever drink honestly. I don't remember the last time I was like super drunk, I think maybe New Year's, maybe my wedding party. Anyways, I really do value those one on one moments, or those small gatherings, a small intimate gatherings where we can just talk and have like actual conversations. And those are very rare, like, we don't get a whole lot of that. When we do get it, it'll start off small, and then it'll become a bigger thing. Like, I remember one weekend, we were helping my husband's uncle with something around the house and it started off with just us, you know, like the six of us. So like, his cousins, me and my husband, and then uncle and aunt. But then we were having a lot of fun and then they wanted to invite other people because we're having so much fun. That's like the good and bad thing about them.
Like, the good thing about them is that when they're happy and having fun, they want to share that happiness and joy with everybody else in the family. I think that's very sweet. I do love that about them. But then it's also bad because we went from like a small intimate gathering, to now this huge party where all the other aunts and uncles and in-laws and like significant others and siblings and just like everybody else then gets included and it becomes a huge party. So it went from an intimate gathering to a party. And, you know, like I get why they do that. I adore them for that, but then it kind of - I don't want to say it ruins it for us because that sounds really mean - but essentially it does ruin it for us because now we're tired and now we just want to leave. Sounds sad, but it's just so exhausting. Like it kind of sucks because it started off great. I loved it. I adore those moments. But like I said, it's rare. When it does happen, sometimes it becomes something bigger than it was. I look forward to those moments and I wish we had more of those. I wish we had more small intimate gatherings and I wish we had turns with everybody, like doing that.
It'd be nice to really get to know some people. Like, there's some people in our family, that I don't really know. Like, I know them, obviously, like I've known them for years and years, but I don't know them know them, because the only time we see them is at a party. We don't get to have like that intimate conversation with them. So, I don't actually know them and they don't know me. That kind of sucks, too. Because we're family, but we don't actually know each other, like know each other know each other. And that's... Yeah, that's a little sucky. But it is what it is, I guess. That's kind of like the downside of having an extrovert family. Like, the good and sweet and amazing part of an extrovert family is that when they're happy, they want others to be happy and they want to share the happiness with others and they want everyone to be included in that happiness and like the joy that they're having, but then we miss out on those like, little intimate conversations where we actually, like sit down and really, really get to know each other. Like, there's very few people in my family, in both our families, that I feel actually know me for who I am. Like, who I really am and that's kind of what happens when you end up with like such an extroverted family. It's because they gain energy from having these big groups, but then you don't have these small conversations sometimes.
I mean, not to end on a bad note, I guess, jeez, because I still really, like, like I said, I adore that about them. I adore that they want to share the happiness, they want to spread the love. I really, really love that. There's the obvious, like negative points of being an introvert in an extrovert family, but then there's also those positives, like I said, like, the biggest positive thing is the fact that I love that they love each other. I love that they when they're happy, and they're having fun, and it's such a joyous time, that they just want to share that with everybody. They want everyone to feel the same thing that they're feeling. I think that's like probably the biggest positive thing. I know, I list a lot of negative things, but that one definitely is like something that's always stuck out. And I've always adored that.
So yeah, that's a long winded explanation to my answer. So I just looked back. So in my Episode Five I talked about, like, how I looked away from the computer and just like started talking. I just looked back. So I did the same thing. I just looked back and I realized I'm already like at 40 minutes. So hopefully that was an interesting listen in.
If you like it, please follow me on social media and let me know what other rambling discussion topics, like what questions, I should ask myself and like ramble about. I'll think of something, because I really do like doing these episodes like the no structure, no outline, no agenda type deal, which is like kind of weird for me because I'm not like that. Normally, I think I mentioned in the intro, I have a very type A personality. If you don't know what are type A personalities, don't worry, I'm going to do an episode about it. It's not very, it's not specific to introverts, I don't think because there's that type A and type B personalities. I'll get into that in a different episode. So it is a little weird for me to like go unscripted and not outlined, if you will, but this has been fun.
So again, if you like this, please follow me on social media. I'll link it in the description. Let's start a conversation. Let me know what you thought about this episode.
Are you an introvert in an extrovert family?
How do you deal with it?
What are the big negatives and the big positives from that?
What do you love and hate about your family? I guess, it doesn't have to be that intimate.
Anyways, thanks guys for listening and I will talk to you in the next episode.